Dealing with Worry - A Letter to a Coachee Before his son's operation

During my coaching sessions with A., a young man and an energetic and enthusiastic manager, the upcoming surgery for his toddler son, a complex and quite frightening surgery, came up again and again. In one of the last coaching sessions, he asked me to help him cope with the difficult moments and hours he expected to spend in the waiting room of the operating room, in a surgery that was expected to last several hours.

He asked us to find tools together to deal with the tension, stress, and worry, and we worked on them and on the state of being he wanted to be in in order to make it easier for himself, his wife, and his parents who would also be present there. After a successful coaching session, and as I continued to think about it, I put together some ideas that could not only help my coachee, but could also be helpful to others dealing with a similar situation. Here is the gist:

Holding on to sanity and heart – in a time of uncertainty

Dear A.,

You are facing one of the most difficult and complex moments a young person can go through – open-heart surgery for your only baby son. Just writing this sentence is already heartbreaking.

This situation, in which you are supposed to "hold" yourself, your wife, and your parents - during a waiting period that cannot really be contained in advance, is an extreme situation.

And yet, there is a way to prepare, not to control reality – but so that you don’t lose yourself in it. So that you can be, in the heart of the storm, the most stable point in the room. Not just for the sake of those around you – but for yourself.

Step One: The Two Months Ahead

It’s not enough to know that breathing exercises or body scans are “good tools” – they need to become a new body language. Otherwise, in real time, you won’t be able to access them. Therefore:

A small plan for the coming weeks:

2-3 times a week

For example: start practicing 4-6 breaths (4 seconds inhale, 6 seconds exhale), or square breathing as we learned: 1. Inhale air, 2. Hold in the body, 3. Exhale out, and 4. Hold before inhaling again, at a rate of four. It affects our nervous system and helps us connect and calm down.

Twice a week

You can listen to short meditations on apps like Insight Timer or YouTube or the UCLA website I sent you. Here is a link, for everyone to use. The meditations are short, about ten to twelve minutes long, in English: https://did.li/Zpvx5

Once a week

Stop, ask: What am I feeling now? What is happening in my feet? In my jaw? In my stomach? In my back? In my heart? How can I respond to these bodily sensations, and calm my body a bit?

Couple practice with spouse (if possible):

Agree on some couple calming language: a strengthening sentence, an agreed-upon touch (hand on hand, for example), or some quiet shared breathing.

Talk about concerns in advance: don't try to "solve," but just listen to each other. Simply be with the fear. Practice moments of shared silence. Sometimes this is the greatest source of strength.

Step Two: Managing Yourself and Your Environment on the Day of Surgery

Role definition

You're not supposed to be a hero, but you can be present, quiet, down to earth. grounded well. Choose an inner identity for yourself that you can lean on, such as:

"The anchor" – that holds itself together so as not to drown.

"The Silent Tree" – which allows others to trust it.

Real-time application tools:

1. Fixed anchors to lean on:

A reassuring statement that is repeated silently (for example: "I am here," "He is in good hands," "One breath at a time").

Anchoring touch for yourself – a hand on the leg, on the chest, or a small object in the pocket that reminds you of love and security.

Brief guided imagery – imagine the child after surgery, waking up, breathing, alive, recovering well, and gaining a new and good, healthy life.

2. Managing the complex environment:

Understand that the emotional reactions of others are not under your control. Coordinate with your wife in advance: "What do you need from me? What can we do together in the most critical moments?" Tell her what you might need then, as well.

If possible, every now and then, find a few moments of silence outside the waiting room, even 3 minutes, alone.

3. Writing – as a tool for release and sanity:

A small notebook/notes on your phone where you can:

Pour out your thoughts. Perhaps write to your son himself – even if you will never show it to him. Note down everything that comes to mind, without filters. This is not a time for judgment.

4. Quiet physical presence:

Movement helps our nervous system and body to calm down and regulate. Practice small movements that are not visible to others: ankle rotations, long exhalations through the nose. Applying small, invisible effort from hand finger to finger, knee to knee, lifting heels and leaning on the toes, while sitting or standing, and more. Pay attention to the ground – feet, the touch of sitting. Stay grounded.

Do not try to "make" the anxiety disappear - give it space without allowing it to manage you.

Step Three: The Moment After

No matter how the surgery goes, the moment after is important:

It is an opportunity to vent – in conversation with me, your coach, with your spouse or a friend, someone else, or with yourself. Create and enjoy some quiet time for yourself – without immediately engaging in “treatment” of others around you.

Recognize that you have been through something huge. Practice inner gratitude – to yourself, to the medical team, to your family. To a higher power, if it fits you.

Conclusion

On this day, you won't be able to know what will happen, nor will you be able to control it or dictate how it will end. But you will be able to know who you want to be inside, and how to show up in this challenge, for you and for all those around you.

And that makes a huge difference. You're not alone in this. We'll also work on this together, gradually, over the coming weeks, if you will wish, so that in the moment of truth – even if the body trembles, the soul will know its way, and it will stand solid to support you.

Hoping this helps a little, too.

With love,

Nahum